I Hate Primates

Why?

Ikea Monkey, Just a matter of time.

 

Because they’re evil little bastards. They’re just like people, if people were raised without rules and manners. Everyone is always like “Oh! What a cutie, with their little hands, coats, and prehensile tails”. No. It’s a trick. A trick so that they can assault you and steal you stuff. I’m not even going to exclude humans from this generalization, but I don’t think I need to explain how terrible people can be.

 

Here is an article about chimps raping things, mostly cats (Videos).

“There are some heavy implications of animal behavior if you want to delve, but rather than harsh your mellow with deep philosophy, I thought we could just enjoy these clips of chimps and monkeys happily raping lesser animals.  Not because rape is funny,  but so that perhaps we might come away with a littler better understanding of your uncle Andre.”

 

Here,  is a picture of baboons terrorizing some tourists. Like a gang. Of hoodlums.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HERE, is an article about a woman who was severely mauled by a Chimp.

“Doctors say a Connecticut woman mauled by a 200-pound chimpanzee is making slight progress after more than seven hours of surgery by four teams of surgeons.”

 

Here, is an article about monkeys that are causing a food shortage and harassing women.

“They estimate there are close to 300 monkeys invading the farms at dawn. They eat the village’s maize, potatoes, beans and other crops. And because women are primarily responsible for the farms, they have borne the brunt of the problem, as they try to guard their crops.

‘The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us,’

Unfortunately, this only invites the monkeys to break into their homes and steal the harvested crops out of their granaries.”

 

In Bali, at the Uluwatu temple, Monkeys have been taught to steal everything they can:

“If you want to go to Uluwatu temple, please be aware that there are a lot of monkeys that are trained to steal anything they can from you. Please put off all your belonging in the car or inside your well sealed backpack. My spectacles are stolen by the monkey and have to pay Rp. 10,000 to the con monkey trainer.” – Trip Advisor

 

Here, is an article about a man attacked by a chimp.

“In the six years he’s managed a sanctuary for abused and orphaned chimpanzees, South African conservationist Eugene Cussons is from time to time called on to comment when an ape elsewhere in the world attacks a human.Cussons says he could always pinpoint a moment of taunting or perceived aggression that could have set off the quick and powerful animals.

This time, though, the attack was at his own Jane Goodall Institute Chimpanzee Eden in eastern South Africa. And Cussons, host of the Animal Planet show “Escape to Chimp Eden,” is without an explanation.

In the end, Cussons, who was himself attacked by a chimp as he tried to pull it off Oberle, took the extreme step of firing into the air, scaring the animals away. Oberle was bitten repeatedly and dragged for nearly a kilometer (half mile).”

And, there’s a video to go with it:

 

 

Here, is another article about a monkey attacking a woman.

“The woman, who is currently recovering from injuries she sustained during the attack and didn’t want to be named, told theTampa Bay Times that she was just sitting on her porch Monday, minding her own business, when the monkey, a 40-pound wild rhesus macaque, jumped on her back in a very literal way and proceeded to gnaw and bite her skin, that being sort of a shtick in the simian world.”

 

How about this video, of a spider monkey attacking a girl:

And another article about an attack:

“Chimpanzees come across to the public as little darlings, often in diapers and always willing to hold hands. But they’re really aggressors, primate experts say, more than capable of carrying out attacks as violent as one that left a man fighting for his life.

Generally weighing between 120 and 150 pounds with strength much greater than man, chimps in the wild are known to kill chimps from neighboring groups, hunt other primates and even attack humans.”

 

And More:

 

Here:

“A 3ft pet monkey who dressed as Santa, wore diapers and played with his family’s children has been shot dead after the creature ‘flipped out’ and attacked his owner, ripping apart his hand.”

Here (Videos):

“In 2007, SS Bajwa, Indian deputy mayor of New Delhi, was killed after falling from a terrace while fighting off an angry mob of monkeys. Typically more of a problem in South Asia (India, Thailand) where Hanuman – the Hindu “monkey god” – is particularly revered, attacks by monkeys are on the rise.”

And Here:

“That was worse than any dog I’ve ever seen,” said Capt. Tony Barrett of the Bedford County Sheriff’s Department, describing the bloodshed caused by the “very aggressive” monkey that kept coming at lawmen even after apparently being shot at least twice.”

 

 

I could keep going, but I have an assignment to do. I think I’ve made my point though.

 

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Imminent Doom

Be tee dubs people, the world isn’t scheduled to end anytime soon by the Maya and Aztec calendars.

Oreo however…?